Where Am I Going Now?

2009-03-29T20:00:00.000-07:00

In January I went to Big Bear with 9 of the most awesome people I know.

We rented out this ginormous cabin and it was a blast. (I actually did write ginormous because my brother and Jessica hate it when you combine two words together to create its own word) Check out Nate Keiser's blog post to catch up on all the shenanigans that went on.

So I was hangin out with Justin Lyon on the couch...

I woke up from the most awesome nap and saw the strangest thing:

Yes this is a lamp, but what is going on with the base. It's a bear, obviously in a lot of pain, with pine cone back pack. As an artist, what wonderful drug to you have to be on to come up with this insanity? But take a closer look. What does a bear in the forest walking around upright keep in his pine cone back pack? Another pine cone and sticks. Come on...I mean really? Not a sandwich, or a picinic basket?(Hey BooBoo!) Where is this bear going that he couldn't find sticks and another pine cone once he got there?

So then I looked around and found another cracked out lamp. Take a gander at this gem:

I like to think they are fighting over a chick. I don't know which one won in the end, but I see a fire in the eyes of the one on the right that the one on the left just doesn't have. I would narrate this fight, but I'm trying to cut out the personification of inanimate objects. Whoever won in the end, I hope they are very happy.

Ciao!

The Loss of A Dear Dear Friend

2009-03-12T11:25:00.000-07:00

Cast (In order of appearance):

Gary the Fake Tree

Jeff the Lover of Fake Trees

Jessica the Hater of Fake Trees

Clay the Supportive Friend

When I was right out of college I just got a new job living in a place where I didn't know anyone. I had to make it in a world that wasn't so kind. I didn't have a lot of money and I had an apartment that needed a lot of help. I went over to a friend's house and saw a fake tree that I really liked, so I thought "I can do this! I can buy a fake tree". So I bought a fake tree the next day. I loved my fake tree. When Jessica asked what my fake tree's name was, I named him Gary. Meet Gary, the Fake Tree:

This is my girlfriend Jessica:

(The dude on the left is me, not Jessica)

So the day after I moved into my place in CA, Jessica and I went to dinner. She said in a very understanding voice, "Jeff, did I see a fake tree in your apartment?", to which I replied, "Jessica, are you a hater of fake trees?" She admitted to being a hater, even though I was a lover. Something had to give. I tried to to spare Gary, moving him into less conspicuous areas in my apartment, but it was all in vain. She eventually got her way. Gary had to go. Poor Gary.

Even on such a sorrowful night, Jessica seemed much more chipper than usual? I don't know if it was that she has such a great boyfriend, or the dream that Gary would leave forever was finally coming to fruition. See what I mean?

So on the "Eve Of Disposal", a night that will live in infamy, Clay my good from Texas came out to console me.

Here are my last few moments with Gary:

I'm gonna miss you Gary.

This hurts me more that it hurts you. And remember, it's all Jessica's fault.

I'm sorry Gary, I'm coming for you!

I couldn't fit in the garbage chute

Hold me Clay!

Jessica, I hope you're happy because this was all for you!

Really? Really...

2009-02-18T17:37:00.000-08:00

In the past few months that I haven't really been posting, I've come across a few pretty ridiculous things. Luckily camera phones are pretty awesome these days, so I can capture pretty much anything at any time. I would like to share some of the awesomely ridiculous pictures that I have taken in the past few months.

Really? Really...

It's like they didn't even try to park it like a rational human being. At what point do you get so lazy you can't even attempt to avoid the plant life next to your parking spot? What if that were a child, or a puppy...or a baby deer? You heartless jerk!

NEXT!!!

Jessica Claire and I were looking for some awesome 80's outfits at the Salvation Army when we stumbled upon this gem:

Hmmm...I don't know what to say about this. Maybe I shouldn't say anything. Yes... I think that would be best.

Lastly, this is what happens when you give Mark Becklund two avocados and tell him to pose. At least I can post his picture. Nate Kaiser...not so much.

He's the man...the man with avocado boobs. Still sexy as heck though.

What Is LL Cool J Thinking?!

2009-01-01T09:54:00.000-08:00

I like LL Cool J. He was awesome in SWAT and...umm... well I liked him in SWAT. I don't really listen to his music, but he raps happy and I like that. I also like his old spice commercial- http://www.veoh.com/videos/v16481075jehYRatf .

I understand people wanting to make money. I understand that former B list celebrities would like to return to their former glory days. What I don't understand is why a rap star, who has built a reputation with his hard exterior (and rediculous chest and abs), would result to starting a clothing line for little girls? Yes folks, you heard correctly...little GIRLS!!! I'm not lying either. Here is a picture we ran across at the mall:

You can find his line at a Sears near you. Sears, really? Does anyone shop there for anything besides tools and underwear? It looks like he is trying to woo a 7 year old, and she doesn't even look that interested. She's probably thinking, " Maybe like 10 years ago, when you were somebody...". And the other girl is thinking, " No way...we came together and we're gonna leave together!" Crazy LL. I like you...but you're crazy.

Things I Don't Like

2008-11-10T21:07:00.000-08:00

Well,you would think that after a month of not posting, I would have something to say...but I don't. I haven't taken any pictures since September. I don't like blogs without pictures, so here you go:

So even though I don't have a lot to say, I figured I could at least let you know a little about me. I thought I could start by giving you a list of things that I don't like, so here it is:

Cats
People who say that I would love their cat, even though I just said that I hate cats
Roaches- this fact has been discovered at work, so now people think it is funny to put live or dead roaches on my desk in anticipation of watching me scream like a little girl. Not Funny. Not cool.
Hand soap that makes me smell like a chick. I like to choose when I want to smell pretty. By only putting chick soap out, you're kinda backing me into a corner. If I don't come out of the bathroom smelling like Japanese Cherry Blossom you are going to know I didn't wash my hands.
Mornings
Tight underwear
Loose underwear
Pretty much underwear in general
Man Capris
Bad grammar
People correcting my grammar
People who correct my grammar with incorrect grammar
Honeydew and cantaloupe
Chihuahuas
Christmas Carolers- They make me feel weird
Christmas Caroling- It makes me feel weird
People who go for a high five when you are going for a fist bump, resulting in some sort of odd fist grabbing action that just embarrasses both people
Music elitists who think the music they listen to is so much better than yours...MICHAEL!
Folgers- It is not the best part of waking up
Starbucks whipped cream
Rosy Odonald

Sorry if I offended any of you cat lovers, carolers, or Rosy Odonald. Please note that if anyone pulls any shenanigans with a roach, real or fake, I will bring the thunder!

-Keep your pimp hand strong-

A Moment With an Iron Chef

2008-09-20T13:13:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don't know this about me, I am a Food Network junkie. I love it. I don't cook that much, but I guess I love to watch other people cook. Some of my favorite shows are Boy Meets Grill, Throw Down and Iron Chef. What do all of these have in common? BOBBY FLAY!!!

If you don't know who Bobby Flay is, the best way to describe him is Superman with a chef's coat. Catch up on your Food Network and you too will agree. So a few weeks ago Boomer, one of my good friends from college, met me in Vegas for a weekend of...prayer and fasting. Well we just happened to be praying and fasting in Caesar's Palace when, you guessed it, Bobby Flay walked right past us. So Boomer and I went over to him and started talking to him. He said that he was testing out recipes for a new Throw Down and asked us to try them out. So we went back into his restaurant and Bobby Flay started cooking for us. UNBELIEVABLE! Here we are, in Vegas, having one of the greatest chefs in the world cooking for us. He was so much fun. He showed us around and we rode the roller coaster at New York, New York with him. So we left with our bellies full of delicious Bobby Flay food, a doggy bag for later and some great stories to tell.

OK... here is what really happened. Bobby Flay walked past us and Boomer pointed him out to me. I got all sweaty and nervous and started semi-stalking the guy. He was on the phone so I was waiting for him to get off so I could take a picture with him. He started walking away so I took this picture that you couldn't make out was him if you sent it off to CSI. However...still one of the greatest moments of my life.

I know you can't see much, but the white figure in the middle of the screen is Bobby.

THE GREATEST SHOW OF OUR GENERATION- REBORN!!!

2008-09-09T22:57:00.000-07:00

I just want to let all of you mid 20's-30 somethings that they are remaking (da na na na, da na na na, smack smack) Beverly Hills 90210! (That was the beginning of the theme song. I realize that my words to not reflect tone, which is why I didn't do the whole song. That would have gotten weird once I got to the guitar solo)

YAYAHHH!!!!

I am totally stoked. The new show lacks big belly jeans, t-shirts with sleeves rolled up and 30 year olds playing high schoolers...but it is still totally awesome! Think The OC with Jenny Garth and Shannon Dougherty. Kelly has a four year old boy on the show, and they keep on making references to "The Dad". You know who I think the dad is? Brandon. You heard it here first, folks...Brandon is Kelly's baby daddy! Nat still has a restaurant on the show, but it's no Peach Pit. I guess they're classing up the show. I'm still waiting on Luke Perry to show up in his Porsche late to 3rd period...because he's troubled, and that's what troubled high schoolers do. Ever since The OC got cancelled I have been waiting for another high school drama to start back up...but this is better than I could have hoped for. Merry Christmas to me.

90210...who would have thought?

Fingernails, Dr. Pepper and Babies

2008-09-02T21:42:00.000-07:00

I talked to an old friend online tonight. She told me that she read my blog. She then called me a goober doofus but told me that she liked it. Hmmm...I wasn't aware that a goober doofus was a good thing. If someone said "Hey, you're a goober doofus", the last thing that would pop into your head would be, "Gee, thanks! I am a goober doofus". So I decided to write about something a little more serious tonight. Pain and child birth.

Tonight I hurt myself really bad! I was opening up a Dr. Pepper and the tab was really tight against the top, so I had to use my finger nail. As I lifted up instead of the tab coming up, my finger nail came up on the tip. I don't know why I don't learn that this always happens when I use my fingernails to open a soda...ALWAYS! So then I had to use my teeth to open it, which I hate the feeling of that also. Now I know that they say having a baby is the worst pain that most humans have to go through, but I bet the person that did this study didn't have sensitive finger nails. Now I know that a lot of moms are probably upset right now...but come on. Does having a baby really hurt as bad as this?

That's something you'd have a hard time proving to me. I know it doesn't look that painful, which is why most people will make fun of anyone who complains about this happening to them. I don't care though. This is pain and it is real!

See...I can be serious.

New Additions-New Traditions

2008-08-28T22:41:00.000-07:00

My sister has a blog where she mostly writes about her kids. If you've read her blog, you may have seen that they have a tradition where they take a picture of the boys on their birthday wearing Danny's letter jacket from high school. Here is one the pictures:

Well I don't have kids, so you would think that this tradition would not pertain to me right now. Well I shouldn't let a little thing like not having kids stop me from doing this myself, should I?

If you have read my other posts you have read about my IPhone situation. A week after I got my new phone Apple announced a new version. I tried to pretend that I didn't care...like it didn't bother me that they came out with a better and cheaper model a week later. I bottled up those feelings I had, but I was fuming...FUMING! Ladies and Gentlemen...I am no longer fuming. I would like to present the newest addition to my family...Da da da daaaaaaa!!! (pretend that a trumpet played that, or a kazoo if you prefer) IPhone 3G:

It is so beautiful and fast. I love it like a real son, except a real son couldn't give you point by point directions using a global positioning system. It will be a part of my life for the next two years, barring any fatal drops or water damage. But in that case I have Apple Care, which will replace it for free. I've never seen a baby come with that kind of guarantee? I feel like I need to start my traditions with it. My letter jacket is packed away somewhere at the 'rents house in San Antonio, so I used another jacket to get the job done:

We have so much fun!

Jeff vs Chris

2008-08-22T22:39:00.000-07:00

Most of you know the story in the bible about Jesus in the temple. Where he gets mad at all the people, flips over the tables and throws around chickens and sheep and camels? Yea that one.

Ok, so I'm visiting a friend in Victorville this weekend. I called him up earlier to tell him that I was coming in this weekend and he said to come on over. Then on Thursday he informed me that his church had two air conditioner units stolen. Not window units. Like ones that cooled the entire sanctuary. These guys skipped the electronics and went strait for bolted in appliances. All I can say is ...Wow! So because my good friend Chris is such a good guy, he volunteered to sleep in the church sanctuary until the repairs have been made. So, because Chris volunteered, I'm also sleeping on the floor of my old church.

Chris and I have different views on how God should take care of the situation. He thinks believes that God should show them mercy, convicting them with blessings, love and kindness. I think he should convict them with pain and suffering. I believe that the Lord should smite them. Smite them good. Since we were at a church all night, I figured that we could pray about this. Here Chris is, praying for mercy and blessings, while I am praying for pain and suffering:

As you can see, I'm praying twice as hard so I get more points, because most good Christians know that prayer works on a point system. Obviously I won, so pain and suffering it is! They've just been smited, or smooted, or smit...whatever. Somewhere across town this guy is getting home from a long day of stealing ACs, walks in the door and says, "Why the heck is my table upside down...and what is a sheep doing in here?" Sorry man, that's how Jesus rolls.

Popeye- Spinach and Poorly Planned Workouts

2008-08-22T13:41:00.000-07:00

So I've literally spent the majority of the last 2 weeks in front of the tv watching the Olympics. I love sports, but I've never been as captured by an event as I have been lately. With so much time watching the Olympics, I've seen a plethera of commercials. One commercial in particular caught my attention. It was of one of my old favorite cartoons...POPEYE!!!

I remember growing up that Popeye was the man. I saw him in a boxing match and after he ate some spinach he punched Brutus not just out of the ring, but through the roof of the arena, flying across town. Who, in our generation of super-cartoons is able to do that? I never saw a ninja turtle do that, or even spider man! No, only Popeye. Seeing this commercial gave me a sense of nostalgia. I remembered waking up early on Saturday morning to watch cartoons, trying not to wake up the parents. Now that I'm older, I have a few questions about Popeye. Questions that never occurred to me as a kid.

First...Why couldn't Brutus ever win in a fight against Popeye? Brutus was made to fight. Look at him...I would not mess with the dude, especially if he has that thing of TNT with him. He also didn't play by the rules, which is evident by his willingness to commit first degree murder, waiting for Popeye to get close enough to blow him up. Now I'm not saying the dude is a bright guy, but after several dozen fights with Popeye, he should have gotten the hint that after Popeye ate his spinach, he developed super human strength. So here is my question...why didn't it ever occur to Brutus that he too could eat spinach? In a battle of two super humans, the stronger super human should win. With Brutus' raw strength, he surely would have been the stronger super human.

Now on to my next question about Popeye. You're working out at the gym and look at yourself in the mirror...at what point do you say to yourself," I really should focus on something other than my forearms"?

Chewy, the Bad Toaster

2008-08-21T20:28:00.000-07:00

Ok, so say you have this friend named...Chewy. Chewy always makes your sandwiches, and he is good at it, because making sandwiches is kind of his thing. He knows that every night you will want a turkey sandwich with provolone cheese, lettuce, tomato and mayo on wheat bread. Chewy knows exactly how much of everything to put on the sandwich because every night you say, "Chewy, this sandwich is perfect! You are the man, Chewy!" Then one day you get home and Chewy starts making your sandwich. You get your sandwich and it is a tuna sandwich on rye. Chewy knows you hate tuna and you are allergic to rye bread, so you say, "Chewy, what the heck?!"

So a few of you may know that I recently have discovered that I totally dig english muffins. Love em! How I just figured this out 26 years into my life is a little odd, I know. But I've been eating english muffins a lot for the past few weeks. I've gotten my toaster,"Chewy", to the exact perfect setting for a deliciously toasted english muffin. So tonight I give Chewy my last english muffin and then start taking out the trash. I'm not really worried about my english muffin, knowing that Chewy knows how toasted I like them. But Chewy forgot:

Bad Chewy!

Now my house smells like burned popcorn.

The Perfect Push Up

2008-08-17T18:14:00.000-07:00

Ok, here is my beef with marketing these days. A few months ago I bought the Perfect Push Up. I have had for a little over two months, and I gotta say...not so impressed. They guarantee results and I must say that I do not look like this:

Or this:

This is kinda what I look like:

I know that in order for something to work, you actually have to use it, but they make it look so easy. They make it seem like the the guy doing the push ups on tv and on the pictures looked like me six weeks ago. Then you get all excited, thinking that could be me in 6 weeks only working out 10 minutes a day. Of course I'll buy it for the low price of $39.99 + tax. Wouldn't you pay that for the perfect body? Then you get it, and you want to cry every time you use it. Shame on you Perfect Push Up...shame on you!

Brooke and Trever's Wedding

2008-08-15T18:43:00.000-07:00

So last month some good friends of mine got married. I've known Brooke since I was in 8th grade and she was in like...3rd. Then she met Trever. He was a freshman in college and she was in like...4th grade. Haha. They are both awesome people, but that is not why I am writing this.

Cyndie is my favorite sister in law. After college I lived with Michael and Cyndie while Michael and I started a thriving recording studio. With Michael typically having jobs with unconventional times, Cyndie and I have spent a lot of time together while he's gone. People are sometime confused by us showing up at rehearsal dinners together with Makenzie, or going to get ice cream and paying seperately with debit cards with the last name Norwood. Because Michael was in the wedding, I once again had my sister-in-law as a date. Here are some pictures:

I guess I forgot to tell her that we were taking funny pictures.

Note to self: Cyndie does not appreciate close ups. (I wonder what she's going to think about me posting this)

Now to the real meat and potatoes of this post. As I was looking through my pictures of the wedding, I was able to find a picture of something I oh so desperately wanted. Here is the picture:

Now even this picture is of the cutest flower girl in the world, that is not what this picture is about. This is about the the father of the little girl, my brother, crying like a little girl in the top right of the picture. Love you Michael!

The Joys and Sorrows of the IPhone

2008-08-14T17:00:00.000-07:00

At the end of May I finally broke down and got an IPhone. Yes, they cost way too much, but you can't argue the fact that they are rediculously awesome. I was having a really hard time finding one. I was working in Tucson one week when I finally tracked one down. This is how I felt after I bought my IPhone:Well, the honeymoon was short-lived. I found out why I was having a hard time finding an IPhone when a week later Apple announced that they were coming out with a faster, better, and cheaper IPhone. This is how I felt after I hear the news:

But I still love my IPhone even though it's a slower, weaker version of its little brother. Michael relates well with this phone. WHAT!!!

My Nieces

2008-08-14T15:20:00.000-07:00

Now I know that I am very biased, but I have been told by people outside of my family that I have the cutest nieces in the world...yes the world. I agree. My brother and sister have a daughter. Not together, but with their respective wife and husband. They have the cutest personalities. My whole family is kind of spread out over four different states, so I don't get to see them nearly enough.

I am able to see Makenzie, my brother's daughter, much more because they are at least within driving distance. We have always had a great time when we see each other, but for some reason I end up playing dress up with her a lot. Maybe it's because she's fun to play with, or I hate to say no to her, or my dad never let me feel pretty growing up. Here are a few of the results of our playtime:

Now Aly, my sister's daughter, has been much harder to win over. She was never a fan of me until I visited them one week last year. She came up to me, looked up, and said, "You wanna play in my chichen?" I have to say, I do not speak fluent 2 year old, so I had to look to my sister for translation. My sister said "She wants you to play in her kitchen". So we played in Aly's "chichen", eating plastic eggs and pizza and she has liked me ever since then. Aly is quite the girly girl. She lives in her princess outfits and tutus. Here we are this past Christmas:

Why am I doing this?

2008-08-14T01:12:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about how to start this. My brother has a blog for his photography, which makes sense. My sister has a blog pretty much devoted to her kids, which also makes sense. My mom has a blog...just kidding. My mom doesn't have a blog. That would be as crazy as her having a myspace or facebook page. Oh wait.

So what is my reason for having a blog? I don't really know. I like to think I am an interesting guy. I've done some pretty awesome things in my life, but is that a reason to start a blog. To merely chronicle the events in my life? I'd say so. I'm not going to offer a lot of insight in my blog. I think that all too often people try to display brilliance in their writing, only to prove their ignorance. I hope you find this interesting. If I make fun of you, please know that I do it all in fun, in hopes that you will retaliate.